I have felt so many emotions this past week and been in every direction; up, down, front, back, and side to side.
Keeping focus on what I need to see for myself this is what I have awakened to- I have a tendency of losing myself in relationships. I put my heart all in so to speak. Then abandon myself and give my power away. (This is not good for me or the other person).
A new friendship came about at a very difficult time of my life. I saw it as a blessing and I still do, but in a different way. At first what I saw was someone that could ease the pain of so much resent loss. Someone that I aligned with on a spiritual level in many ways, which is rare for me. He wanted me to be his teacher and friend. Now I see that he is my teacher and I have learned more about myself. Maybe we are just a mirror for each other?
He has pushed me to look at the past patterns of all my relationships. I have always known it but I truly see how this effects others and but more importantly myself.
I was raised from such an early age in rage and abuse which in turn caused me fear of my safety and stability. With abuse comes a strange sense of attachment or loyalty to the abusers. Always wanting to please others above myself and putting everyone first. Giving up myself! Of course I just assume this action is correct because it is embedded in my core believe system. I have been so painfully aware of this so many times in my life. I now have a deeper understanding because of the mirror that is in front of me.
I have been playing this story out over and over- Fear of losing someone else important in my life. (This comes from the abandonment that happened in my teens, neither parent really wanted my sister or me once they were divorced). The truth is by me fearing this loss- I am losing the most important person in my life "me".
Losing myself in relationships, work, other obligations, or whatever else I can distract myself with including additions to whatever is convenient. This loss of self and self hatred the most destructive issue I still carry. Trying to fill my insides with things outside of myself will never fulfill or complete me.
"My wholeness is so much more than anything outside of myself".
For the past 25 years I have been on a journey to heal myself, bringing back the fragments of my lost self. Many pieces are easier to grab than others. I have seen this piece of myself many times and even wave to it "hello and goodbye".
These believes rooted in the core of my being that have been so hard to release, but it is time now! "I let go of my fear of abandonment and the need to care for and love others more than myself because of this fear." I look to fill this void now with something new and loving to be placed inside of me.
Love myself even if I feel unworthy
Give attention to myself and not abandon me
Honor and value me for all my strengths
Not judge or compare myself to others
Forgive myself for anywhere I feel I may have caused harm or not been enough
Acknowledge my growth and say I'm proud of me
I have lived my whole life for everyone but myself always still feeling empty and sadness inside. What if I now live my life for myself and give when I can? I'm in uncharted territory so one minute at a time I will let my life unfold and trust my true inner guidance. That clear voice that speaks to me with wisdom and love.
Thank you my dear fierce friend, teacher and mirror you have helped to bring me to another level of growth. In doing that I will always honor and value you.