Everything is amazing and I am happy.
There is something wrong and I'm not happy.
These two statements are thoughts that can go through my head at the exact same time and be about the exact same situation. None of the circumstances even need to change. The key to this is that they are just thoughts. These are my own thoughts and it's just a shift in what I maybe perceiving at that moment. Do I always tell myself the truth? Well I would like to think that I do; but I don't. Why you may ask? Because of fear, doubt, not trusting myself, the perfectionism that makes me so hard on myself, my situations and experiences from the past that have severely affected my thought patterns and actions.
I can chose the positive or the negative. I am exactly where I need to be or I need to be more and everything is wrong. Being raised in abuse and continuing this pattern into most of my adult life has been my MO so to speak. I might chose to be in an abusive relationship or feel less than, in any given relationship. This even goes for the relationship with myself, abusing myself saying that I will never measure up, think what's wrong with me, which leaves feeling really bad about who I am because I am not perfect. Telling myself that I don't even deserve to be happy; even when happiness could be staring me in the face. Maybe seeing happiness and then talking myself out of it, one way or another I'm really good at that! My thoughts are just that powerful. The other thing is that it's pretty hard to distance myself from myself. At least if I see a toxic person coming my way I can remove myself from the situation. But when I'm fighting myself or going back and forth about something I'm struggling with, this is my own private "HELL" so there is it.
Living with and loving my thoughts seems like a big order to fill! It is such a simple thought. I've just starting reading a book by Byron Katie. I love that she wants us to look at the statement "Is That True" so when my thoughts start to run wild which seems to be more often than not, these days. I pose the question Is this true? But taking it a few step further-
Is this a True Statement?
Is this a Kind Statement?
Is this a Necessary Statement?
This brings me to the fear piece of this. If my mind is racing, I am probably in some kind of fear. Fear of the past or maybe of the future or really both. Fear that the future won't work out because of the past. Not allowing me to be happy in the right now, my present life. I don't have that perfect answer.
Fear is- False Evidence Appearing Real (I love this statement)
Really I need to keep tricking my brain somehow, to bring me back to my truth. When I can stop my thinking and drop into my heart space there is my truth. My truth is always with me ready and waiting to be accessed when I get the spinning thoughts out of my way. I have to feel grounded and centered. I have to be able to sit with myself not just by myself. The difference is sitting with myself is being comfortable in my skin and not over thinking. I can sit by myself and be playing a game, watching a movie, or google searching something. These are not the same thing.
Okay maybe it feels like I went on a rant; but really I can loop this back around to the start of this blog. When I can bring my thoughts to a true state of my well being; then I am happy. Not living in the fear that I'm not enough or that my situation isn't enough. Not being abusive to myself. Not letting others make me feel less than because if they do this it is REALLY ABOUT THEM! Not in fear of the past because this is past. The past is not my truth now. Not in fear of the future because who knows what that even looks like? This is about can I let go of all this SHIT that I carry around with me? It's a very large smelly bag!! Love this visual!
When I Let Go; I can enjoy each and every moment that I am blessed with. I do Let Go many times but still pick that smelly bag of shit back up. Then I have to Let it Go again and again. I love the moments that I truly feel free to be exactly right in my mind, emotions, spirit, and body.
Then I am truly HAPPY like Spinning Around on a Mountain Top HAPPY. Not Spinning in My Head UNHAPPY.
I always have a choice.
Love and Light,
Shelley Moore 6/17/16