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Grief, Addiction & Relationships

Breaking the Chains of My Past

Living from love means living from my heart. Making choices that feel true from that deep place inside of my heart. The truth of what is best for me and then in turn; those around me. When I see the truth of my heart, this will guide me to act in a right and loving way.

Love is joy-filled experiences that are tearful because I know that I'm coming from a place that is pure of intentions. Not from a place of an agenda or trying to manipulate others for a specific outcome. It feels like a very vulnerable and raw place many times. Mostly because when I've put my heart out there in this way, it has been crushed in the past. Maybe not in the way that you might thinking either, but by my own expectations. I hurt myself more than anyone else can.

Putting others needs and wants above my own seems like such a selfless act but in reality not true. This is wanting others to be okay with me and needing their approval of who I am. Every part of me wants their love and approval but if I'm not true to myself, then I am lying to everyone involved.

I remember early on in my path of healing which has been many years now, I felt that being in denial was sometimes easier just because it's hard work to grow and be conscious in the choices for my life. Being in a life of denial; is very painful!! Feelings of being a victim or just fumbling through life doesn't work for me anymore. So this option isn't an option, even though I slip into it now and again. My denial is my dis-illusion of reality.

When I live fully from my heart this is living in the truth of myself. Honoring my own wants and needs in a relationship has been such a hard lesson for me to learn. The more I honor and love myself the better relationship I have with myself. Learning what works in my life and what doesn't. Not giving up parts of myself to fit in any given relationship. I'm not say that I will never be flexible; but to make sure that I'm meeting my needs too. For someone like me who is trying to break-free from the chains of my childhood; Co-dependency is so familiar and comfortable. Loving myself more is by far the most foreign and uncomfortable place for me to be.

Example: A relationship with someone that I cared for very deeply just ended. Knowing for months that he really didn't feel the same about me and even said it to me. People do say who they are from the beginning if I'm willing or ready to hear them. There was that part of me that was willing to give up that part of myself that deserves to be loved and valued. This person did care about me, but for his own reasons not the same way I cared for him. The hardest part of this is letting go of the illusion of what I wanted him to be. I miss this person with every fiber of my being for many reasons; But I have to have more compassion and love for myself than I do for anyone else. Writing these words feels so selfish, but if I can't do this for myself, then how can I expect anyone else to have these things for me?

Losing myself in relationships (co-dependency) is what I have done in the past too many times to even count. These are the chains that have held me captive for my whole life. Believe me I have tried and tried again to not repeat this in each and every relationship, but have failed each and every time. Aware of what I do and truly believe that I will be better the next time.

As I step out of the darkness of my captor, into the brightness of my true heart; can I stay here? This time just for myself...

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